New Literary Student Profiles
September 12th, 2020
By Andrew Choe
They’ve haunted the halls of Hazy and Rugby for decades as whispers creeping beneath classroom doors and as menaces dancing in the blinking cursors of unfinished essays. Now, the infamous cast of characters from days of English class past have come to Harvard-Westlake in the flesh, and we present to you our exclusive profiles of these most recent additions to our community.
After leaving his hometown of Verona all the way in Italy (details are unknown, but rumor has it that entanglement in a fiasco involving an elopement, appropriation of an extremely potent - and definitely illegal - barbiturate, and two teen deaths motivated this Holy Father’s flight), Laurence, a Franciscan monk of three decades, has filled the recently vacated role of school chaplain. Always an obliging friend of the youth, Laurence pledges to meet students every need, and wants our readers to know that his specialties include: arranging free-period trysts for any star-cross’d lovers out there, making high-stakes decisions for students, and assuaging student ailments with “natural herbs and grasses” from his garden.
Personal motto: “When the going gets tough, fake your own death”
Cyrano de Bergerac
Coming to Harvard-Westlake was a no-brainer for Bergerac upon discovering that nearby Beverly Hills is home to some of the best cosmetic surgeons in the world. This poet, veteran, and smooth-talker approaches teaching with the goal of helping students find their own voices and preventing them from becoming creeping vines that can’t stand without clinging to the backs of others. Ironically, he’s more than willing to write a breathtaking proposal for anyone in want of a good way to ask that special someone out to the Homecoming Formal.
Favorite Song: Arizona Zervas’s “Roxanne”
Holden Caulfield ’21
A recent transfer from Pencey Preparatory School in Pennsylvania, Caulfield has expressed his many reservations to us about going to school in such close proximity to Hollywood, which he claims is nothing but a den of phonies. However, he tells us that he’s here because he promised his younger sister Phoebe that he would try to apply himself after that madman stuff that went down last winter (quite a story coming your way, PSUPP). When asked about what he thought about Harvard-Westlake, Caulfield commented that the school seems tolerable, but all that talk about the joyful pursuit really kills him, it really does.
One thing he’s excited about in LA: The ducks in the park don’t have to fly away during the winter.