By Oliver Green
The Following is a Statement Issued by the Group Known as @dairyathw to the Harvard-Westlake Administration
Dear HW Administration,
In the past few months, the actions of a certain Harvard-Westlake Instagram account have inspired us, a group of concerned students and faculty, to unite under the username @dairyathw and finally speak out against the blatant pro-lactose position Harvard-Westlake has taken.
In the Harvard-Westlake cafeteria, many of the products include some kind of milk or cheese. There was even a day last year where a school-sponsored club offered “free ice cream” (a blatant dairy product) if students were to attend their meeting. By presenting these lactose-containing products as viable food options to students, Harvard-Westlake is clearly sending the student population down a dangerous path! We envision a not-so-far-off future in which students gather on Sundays at 10:23 AM to sit in prayer at Cheese Temples and worship the gods of yogurt, not to mention the yearly pilgrimages students will take to the shrine of Saint Milk. It’s simply inexcusable for the school to continue to endorse this radical cheese-worshipping agenda.
Additionally, in chemistry classes, students are forced to solve many problems on tests and quizzes that involve the 20th element on the periodic table. This element, calcium, is found in several dairy products, and is clearly another way in which the school is forcing their pro-lactose doctrine onto students. We propose it be replaced with the element Lactaidium.
Now that we’ve clearly shown the school’s utter intolerance for a moderate opinion on dairy, here are some of our demands:
The school should turn the cafeteria into a lactose intolerant re-education center in which students’ brains are freed from the school’s pro-dairy doctrine.
The school should release an immediate apology to the anti-dairy families the school has isolated with their ludicrous and radical pro-lactose agenda.
The school should pay for all calcium to be surgically removed from students’ bones and replaced with a strong metal such as titanium, so students will no longer need to consume calcium for nutrition.
The school should issue a statement condemning the worship of false dairy gods, and instead should endorse the Silk Milk Church, which worships the Almighty Soy Milk God, our lord and savior.
We hope you meet these demands. If by some unfortunate turn of events you fail to do so, we will assemble our lactose intolerant militia, have each member eat 3 tubs of ice cream, and march them all into school, filling the campus with a stench that will take weeks of deep cleaning to get rid of. We hope you make the right choice.