By Colin Yuan and Oliver Green
THE DOG'S JOURNAL
Untitled - Day (I don’t know but it’s the same everyday!)
I had my favorite roasted chicken and rice flavored breakfast today, it was so good! Then, I went on a car ride, I loved it! Then, I walked in the park and met a pretty lady, it was so nice! Then, I got to play ball, my favorite thing! Then, I watched TV with my people, it was so funny! Then, I had my favorite roasted chicken and rice flavored dinner, it was so yummy! And finally, I got comfy and fell asleep early in my bed, oops! What a great day!
THE CAT'S JOURNAL
Day 792 of My Captivity
My captors continue to torment me with bizarre little dangling things and little furry balls. They laugh and smile at my misery, always imitating my speech. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, fresh milk, while the others inmates and I are fed dry, flavorless, and cold little crackers everyday which cannot be called food.
The rest of the inmates here are junkies and snitches. I cannot emphasize enough how much I despise the dog. It is so obvious which one of us is their favorite. The dog receives special treatment: he is released outside regularly, but does not even attempt to escape. His mind is...pretty slow. Everything excites him - their horrifying little pats on his head, the sound of the doorbell, and even a ball. A Ball!! What goes on in his head?? There is also an annoying bird that I absolutely want to slaughter with my claws. I have observed him for hours on end everyday, and I am convinced he is an informant reporting my every move. He is placed in an elevated cell so he is safe from me - for now...
The only thing that keeps me going in life now is my dream of escaping this prison. The other day, I found and decapitated a rat and placed its head before my captors, thinking it would make them horrified. But no! They condescendingly congratulated me and called me a “good kitty”. Can you believe that? Bastards! When my captors invited their captors friends over, I was locked away like I was some kind of danger to them. I later found out that one of them had something called “allergies”. I must use that to my advantage one day…
I will keep you posted on my escape attempts. In the meantime, I will suffer another intolerable day.
THE VITAMIX BLENDER'S JOURNAL
I had an exceptional day today. After an incredible morning smoothie sesh, I met with my friend Orange Juicer to partake in a collaboration between our two spirits. Here’s what we created today:
Blendy on the Beat (feat. lil Orange Juicer)
Verse 1 (Vitamix):
My name is Vitamix Blender and I’m here to say
I’d like to blend some more fruit today!
Blend some strawberries, throw in some lemon
Make a nice smoothie that tastes like heaven!
Verse 2 (Vitamix)
When you unplug my wire, and power me down
It makes lil Orange Juicer look like a clown!
Verse 3 (lil Orange Juicer)
I’m just a little Orange Juicer
Could you please buy me a pair of new shoes, sir?
Whoa whoa whoa
Verse 4 (Vitamix)
Lil’ Juicer’s too good at rapping for me
Now let’s get back to making a phenomenal smoothie
Repeat Chorus (both)