• Oliver Green

Harvard-Westlake Fails to Enforce New “Anti-Cannibalism” Policy

By Oliver Green

MONDAY, STUDIO CITY — After sophomore William Stone’s fried arm was discovered between two pieces of sourdough in the science office, the Harvard-Westlake community was in uproar. The administration was quick to act, declaring a strict “no cannibalism” rule for all members of the upper school. However, many people have characterized the school’s enforcement of the rule as inadequate.

“The rule really does nothing if the school doesn’t hold teachers accountable,” said senior Will McCall. “Even though everyone knows it’s against the rules to eat students, teachers keep on chowing down.” Earlier this week, McCall's friend Siji Smolev was eaten alive during a calculus class, while the other students watched helplessly, too intimidated to stand up to their teacher for fear of the grading consequences.

“And the worst part is,” lamented McCall. “He didn’t even use any seasoning!”

Seasoned or not, this blatant disobedience of the school’s anti-cannibalism rule has caused many students to call for accountability. We interviewed one of the senior prefects, who has long endorsed the idea of an Honor Board for teachers. This prefect believes this would help slow the cannibalism rate.

“Some teachers can really get away with anything at the moment,” they said. “Many teachers assign homework over breaks when they aren’t allowed to, treat students unfairly in the classroom, and once a week have their class stick an unlucky student in the oven for forty-five minutes, spread their grilled body on a brioche bun, and sprinkle them with garlic powder and mozzarella cheese!”

Some students have spoken to trusted adults on campus in desperation, trying to somehow get the administration to stop this student-munching for good. While these faculty members have written down the names of the cannibalistic teachers, they haven’t taken action against them. Rather, email records have uncovered that they usually just email these teachers to “save me a slice!”

When the Elbow News Network reached out to the administration for comment, we received this blunt response:

“The administration will do its best to ensure that the consumption of students stops as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, it’s quite difficult for us to monitor every single teacher and make sure that they aren’t eating their students. When we do hear of a teacher disobeying the rule, though, we’ll be sure to punish them very harshly, like revoking their access to the student-shaped deep fryers in the teacher’s lounge for a week.”