Harvard-Westlake Finds Unique Ways To Hold Winter Events
By Oliver Green
LOS ANGELES, CA - Last week, Harvard-Westlake administrators assembled a crack team of teachers and faculty members to brainstorm and pitch alternative ways the school can hold winter events. This think tank of experts was given just 24 hours to create the school’s COVID policy. We talked to some of the teachers involved in this think tank and got an inside look at some future Harvard-Westlake events:
Winter Sports Season
Due to the cancellation of CIF and the increasing danger of practicing in large groups, all winter sports teams will instead be participating in the socially distanced sport of Flambergillet. In this sport, individuals are given 25 minutes to create the most aerodynamic pickle they possibly can. Phairot spearheaded the push for this change to the athletics program, but many people question if his actions were just motivated by his own desire to pawn off more pickles to student athletes in the cafeteria. Athletes will drive to the Grand Canyon and try to glide their pickles over the abyss as quickly as possible. Of course, it’ll be hard enough for these newbies to get their droikenstoinks (customized pickles) to stay up in the air for a zappo (a unit of time unique to Flambergillet), not to mention beating Anthony Johnson’s record-setting quarter-zappo supersonic jetpack pickle flight from last year.
Winter Formal Dance
After the cancellation of homecoming, math teachers formed a coalition to design the perfect winter dance for students. “We have meticulously figured out every possible way of holding the dance, and our proposed plan has been calculated to have the largest value for Ω, also known as the ‘fun variable’,” math teacher Mr. Kochar confidently stated in an email sent from his TI-84 Plus C Silver Edition Graphing Calculator. “The statistical probability of our Zoom dance being anything less than an absolute BONKERS party is more or less impossible.” So what is this proposed plan? Students will log into Zoom and stay in the waiting room for 5 minutes, where they’ll be given a quick practice problem on integrals just to get their “brain juices flowin’.” One they enter the Zoom room, they’ll be prompted to choose from one of three breakout rooms, each with a different classic and cool high school party game: Magic: The Gathering, Settlers of Catan, or Dungeons and Dragons (disclaimer, if you choose the D&D room you’ll be locked in to one 10-hour session a week for the next 6 months in order to finish the campaign). If anyone misbehaves, or gets a little too rowdy during the Quest for the Elven Runehalla Battleaxe, they’ll be sent to a timeout breakout room to memorize the first 300 digits of pi.