Kanye's Presidential Hopes
By Will Samuels
I’m starting to grow very concerned about Kanye’s presidential campaign. It’s election day, and Kanye is down in EVERY SINGLE POLL. Naturally, this is very upsetting to me, and it is appalling to me that Kanye could possibly be down by so much as the most worthy candidate. As you all know, Kanye promised he would throw a birthday party for every single American if he were to be elected, and I, unfortunately, have never been to a birthday party. As each day passes, the probability of my 1st birthday party is looking slimmer and slimmer. I usually don’t like to get political, BUT I’M GONNA HAVE TO INTERVENE. EVERYONE VOTE KANYE SO I CAN FINALLY GO TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!! Additionally, Kanye’s policies are perfect for America’s success. Mandatory Kanye music 24/7, a new and improved national anthem (The American Yeezus Takeover ft. TI, Dababy, Kid Cudi, Drake, and Siji Smolev), mandatory yeezys, and mandatory random visits to Wyoming for the entire country!!
* If you fail to vote for Kanye, you will not be invited to my birthday party. Without a Kanye West victory, there will never be another party.