Oscar Picks - From the Elbow Film Critics Association
By Oliver Green
Without further ado, the Elbow Film Critics Association presents our annual Academy Awards tradition:
The Best Picture Nominees Judged Based Only on Each Director's Middle Name
(Disclaimer: the Elbow Critics have not seen any of the following films, nor do they plan to. They're too busy running their secret slap bracelet smuggling organization.)
Coda, Don’t Look Up, Drive My Car, Dune - 0/10 - NO MIDDLE NAMES
Nightmare Alley - del - 4/10
This barely counts as a middle name, just as Nightmare Alley barely counts as a movie. Upon walking into the theater, I was asked to put on a pair of "Pikachu kaleidoscope spectacles" and start going through the largest flip book I’ve ever had the privilege of seeing. After creating a movie about a woman who falls in love with a fish, I didn’t think Guillermo del Toro could possibly get any weirder. Apparently I was wrong.
Belfast - Charles - 6/10
A brilliant movie about Charles Edward Cheese, who discovers the trials and tribulations of being a rat running a pizza shop in a strip mall.
King Richard - Marcus - 9/10
Marcus Aurelius, famed Roman emperor and scholar. Marcus Mariota, backup quarterback for the Las Vegas Raiders. This movie contains some earth-shattering wisdom and some mediocre football skills: the perfect combination.
Licorice Pizza - Thomas - 1/10
In 2nd grade I was absolutely tormented by a small redheaded boy named Thomas. This movie is just like him: it steals your blueberries during lunch, breaks your favorite Yoda pencil, and calls you “Jimmy Fart-Face.” Enough said.
The Power of the Dog - Jane - 2/10
When someone’s middle name is literally “plain Jane,” I shudder to even think what their first and last names might be. This movie could not be worse, and it’s simply 3 hours of uncut footage of a dog walking in circles. This movie doesn’t have a sliver of a chance to win Best Picture.
West Side Story - Allan - 8/10
Allan. Not Allen, and certainly not Alan. Now here’s a movie that’s interesting! This movie is bold, innovative, daring, and unconventional in every way. The plot is unique, the characters are original, and the whole film is cutting-edge. It’s fresh in a way American moviegoers have never seen before.