Sports Report: Curling
By Maddie Morrison
It’s that time of year! As I’m sure many of you know, the 2021 Men’s World Curling Championship came to a riveting close this May 2. For those who are entirely oblivious to mainstream culture, curling is a fascinating sport in which the least athletic hockey players take turns sliding rocks across an ice rink. If you find European men sweeping the rink with glorified brooms attractive, then this sport is definitely for you.
After an exhausting 8-month season, the Köttsjön Carpet Moths’ efforts proved fruitful; in fact, a record breaking 53 people tuned into the televised event. Some speculate that due to isolation during the pandemic, sports lovers worldwide have taken an interest in the combative world of curling. However, curling experts estimate that at least 47 of these 53 were simply viewers who had fallen asleep during the midnight showing of the British claymation movie Wallace and Gromit that had aired before the championship. Nonetheless, curlers were still elated by the rapidly expanding viewer base. “This is the best turnout since the Great Curl of ’87”, one PR representative for the Canadian team noted, “We’ve nearly sold out of our exclusive official custom Championship team lederhosen”
The game was commentated by the go-to Norwegian curling play-by-play commentator, Björn Johansen, and his reliable color commentator (who was added in an attempt to attract more Swedish children to the sport), Bobo the talking orangutan puppet.
“At first it seemed like the Canadians had the Moths absolutely beat. But once the Moths put in their best clean-up sweeper, Lars Karlsson, no one on the ice could match his agility with the broom.” recapped Johansen, “The Reindeers were humiliated when the Moth mascot entered the curling rink and started a violent altercation that sent several Canadian players to the hospital, suffering from light scratches and bruises.”
“Broom go sweep sweep!” Bobo added.
Many others have chalked this surge in popularity up to the unique curlers themselves. One Canadian player said of the sport, “It’s just like cornhole but for interesting and attractive people. I feel sexiest when I’m sweeping for my many fans”. Unsurprisingly, curling produces a plethora of interesting, eligible bachelors, with the elite players generating a hefty salary of $8,000 a year. One up-and-coming curler, Rufus Biggins, came across the sport when he was cut from the 6th grade ice hockey team. Biggins, at a towering 5’7, notes that he has been “searching for a wife for the past 13 years, 6 months, and 22 days” but is a self-described ladies man and claims that he is “not worried” about finding a partner. Biggins’ passions include gossipping with his mom Gwendoline and his best friend-turned-stepdad Ludvig, wrestling with his pet moose Boris, and tape art.