• Oliver Green

Improved Product Descriptions

September 12th, 2020

By Oliver Green


Many people these days are concerned with the durability and strength of products. Environmental crises have caused many to shun cheap, disposable products in favor of longer-lasting and more effective ones. Well, at Amazon we want you to know that we are updating our website to make sure our customers know they can trust our reliable, strong, and durable products. Here are our new-and-improved descriptions for 5 of our best-selling products:


1. L.O.L. Surprise! Surprise Confetti Pop Collectible Dolls

These dolls can even withstand the bone-crushing bite of the now-extinct Allosaurus!


2. Fire TV Stick with Alexa Voice Remote

The Fire TV Stick is so strong it was able to lead the French Third Republic through the Great Depression and carry it to victory in both World Wars!


DISCLAIMER: Due to previous occurrences, we are now legally obligated to inform you that the Fire TV Stick, despite its suggesting name, will not in fact turn your TV into a campfire that you can roast marshmallows over, regardless of whether or not it has the Alexa Voice Remote.


3. $50 PlayStation Gift Card

This card not only completed 2 consecutive ultramarathons, but placed in the top 10 in both races, despite being attacked with a flamethrower and pushed off a skyscraper mere hours before the starting gun went off! P.S. Congrats to the $50 Playstation Gift Card on its successful races!


4. Fujifilm INSTAX Mini Instant Film Twin Pack (White)

We’ve heard your complaints about the old version, so due to public demand, this film can now survive being completely submerged in a vat of hydrochloric acid for 36 hours and then being gunned down by an AK-47 assault rifle at point-blank range!


5. The President is Missing by Bill Clinton and James Patterson

This book can not only survive the cramped 10 hour train ride from Moscow to Siberia, but can also withstand the frigid temperatures and backbreaking labor of the Stalin-era Soviet prison camp system!


6. Aprilis Bath Bombs Gift Set

These bath bombs can survive the force of 3 atomic bombs being dropped on them every 30 minutes for 2 weeks! Then, they can be strapped to the exterior of a rocket and survive the trip to and from the International Space Station (where they return to Earth attached to the exterior of a Soyuz spacecraft as it burns up upon reentry to the Earth’s atmosphere) all in one piece!

NOTE: DO NOT THROW THE BATH BOMBS!!

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